Gather around, children. It is time for a life lesson. Do you remember how your mother and I told you not to trust strangers promising you candy if you enter their van? Well, forget that. This is far more important.

If you ever encounter a burger whose spec sheet includes ingredients so unintuitive you may think it has to either be a work of an enlightened genius or a mad man, avoid the temptation to find out which is true. The risk is far too great.

If you for some weird reason have a burger with mushrooms on your bucket list, try Hood Burger's Balbo when available. A far better dish.