A Terrible Secret

Hood Burger is my favorite burger joint. I wouldn't actually say their burgers are the absolute best - make no mistake, they are amazing and have by far the best price/performance ratio of any burger joint I've ever been to - but my fondness for them stems more from their influence on the industry. It can legitimately be said they singlehandedly kick-started the burger revolution in this country. And to an avid fan of history like myself, this seems like one of the best kinds of revolutions.

Alas, nothing in this world is ever wholly good. As the great Francis Bacon (who may, given his last name, seem a peculiar choice of citation in this context, as will become apparent in the coming paragraphs) once remarked: "In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present."

What, pray tell, am I talking about, you may be asking? Brace yourself, for I am about to reveal a disturbing secret.

But be warned, dear reader! In the paragraphs that follow lies the dark truth that you may not have been privy to thus far. In fact, given the nature of the sinister undertones this story is about to rapidly acquire, you are sincerely advised to stop here. There may indeed be some stones best left unturned.

You have been warned.

In a shocking newspaper article about Hood Burger, its founders recall an ominous anecdote behind the origin of the joint's settled-upon name. From the bone-chilling article:

"Ko sva prvič zagrizla v burger, sva rekla: 'Kako je hud!' in to ime je ostalo," razlagata Ljubljančana, ki sta odraščala na Viču.

Many of my countrymen have no doubt already recoiled in horror of this stunning revelation. As for all my foreign readers, allow me to elaborate. The word "hud" is Slovenian slang, akin to "cool" or "radical" (if you're very old). In this particular context, however, it acquires a slightly different meaning, as it refers to the taste of the burgers, meaning something along the lines of "delicious" or "amazing". It is also, coincidentally, pronounced very similarly to the way an English speaker would pronounce "hood".

This leads us to the inevitable horrific conclusion: the name "Hood Burger"... is a pun.

To my moral sensibilities this discovery was a heavy blow. For years I was of a firm belief that nothing associated with puns can ever be good. Hood's burgers, however, have shattered that axiom.

I spent countless months reevaluating everything I know about the nature of reality and the meaning of existence, consulting gurus and shamans and monks and scientists and philosophers, unable to resolve this fundamental conflict. To this day I have not found a satisfactory answer. It is possible I never will. Everyone possesses some form of cognitive dissonance and I suppose I'm luckier than most as I'm actually aware of one of mine, even as I am unable to resolve it.

Should you find yourself in the same boat as I, the only solace I can offer is this: do not dwell on it. Life is too precious to be wasted worrying about things which are beyond your ability to remedy. Embrace this for what it is and try to move on.

And if you are like me, the best medicine I have found - somewhat ironically - is to drown your troubles in copious amounts of refined delicacies readily available at Hood Burger.