A Royal Mess 2

An Inauspicious Prelude

I am sitting on the edge of my bed.

The window is slightly open. I know there are sounds coming in from outside. Yet I cannot hear them.

I see a vague, hazy silhouette of my hands. I cannot feel them. And yet, they hurt. Everything hurts. Everything is a blur.

I have not slept in three days. Perhaps four. It is impossible to tell.

With a trembling hand, I reach for my keyboard. "I must write," I think to myself. But I cannot.

Nothing matters anymore.

We live in a hell world.

The Plot Thickens

I am writing this on November 7, 2021. Having slept for almost two full days, my mind is now clearer.

The ramblings of a mad man you just read above are an excerpt from a piece of paper. I found it in my room earlier today. I cannot remember writing any of it but I presume it is from a few days ago.

I am publishing it because I want you to understand what Hood has done to me.

I now firmly believe that they have read my original bombshell article and are now employing sophisticated psychological strategies to undermine my sanity and to ultimately discredit me. However, much to their chagrin (I imagine), I am still (loosely) in control of my wits. This is also why I am now rushing to put these words to the proverbial paper should my situation change.

Be all of that as it may, I am not some deranged lunatic. I shall substantiate all my accusations above with concrete proof.

The Story So Far

Before you continue, I once again strongly encourage you to read the preceding article, 'A Royal Mess'. But for all of you lazy fuckers who did not, here is a brief synopsis of the events that led to my current predicament.

For five years now, Hood Burger have been serving a burger (technically a sandwich but we'll leave that rabbit hole alone for now) called The Duke. They have also been dutifully iterating upon its ingredients, making it better every year. The same can not be said about the burger's naming scheme, however.

The original The Duke from 2017 was followed by The Duke 2 in 2018. It was a fantastic sequel to a controversial first edition. Yet things unraveled quickly. 2019 saw the introduction of The Duke 2.0. It was once again a substantive upgrade, if not as drastic as the first sequel. But the name made no sense. Worse yet, Hood wasn't done. In 2020, they went straight off the deep end and introduced The Duke II. The new Duke saw another small culinary tweak which was good. However, any improvement to its taste was dwarfed by the havoc wrought upon innocent etymologically-minded prospective gastronomes who suffered because of its name.

Having witnessed the history of these crimes against reasonable continuity I felt I could stay silent no longer. In the spring of 2021, I published an exposé detailing their misdeeds. A small part of me hoped that they may see my scathing (but extremely on point) criticism and reflect on their actions, or maybe even... improve?

Then November 2021 came and my hopes were utterly smashed.

The Campaign of Torment

The first acts of Hood's terrorism began on November 2. They published an article on their news page which began thusly:

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(I created a cached page of the full article in case they once again attempt to obscure their villainy.)

A parallel campaign also went live. They sent the following email to their subscribers, of which I am one:

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Did you catch that? One has 'The Duke 2' in the title, the other 'The Duke 2.0'. THOSE ARE TWO SEPARATE BURGERS, HOOD. WHICH FUCKING IS IT?!

Luckily, the article body in the email was the same as the one on the website. Through a simple investigative principle called 'reading', I was able to deduce the burger's ingredients from the article: slow-roasted pulled duck, mustard with seeds, cranberry marmalade, truffle with honey, Gruyère cheese, and rucola. One of them caught my eye: Gruyère. I checked my notes. The original The Duke 2.0 had Asiago cheese and was therefore easily ruled out as a suspect. The original The Duke 2, however, did have Gruyère. Furthermore, while the email did have The Duke 2.0 in the title, the article itself only ever mentioned The Duke 2.

So... case closed. The Duke 2 was going to be the one on the menu, not The Duke 2.0.

OR WAS IT?

NOT AT ALL, ACTUALLY. It could not have been The Duke 2 because The Duke 2 DID NOT HAVE RUCOLA IN IT. That means that IT WAS ACTUALLY THE DUKE II ALL ALONG!

This is where my descent into madness began.

"Why," I kept asking myself, "why would they do this?" Was it a mistake naturally brought about by their own stupid fucking naming system that left even Hood's own staff confused? DO NOT BE SO NAIVE, DEAR READER. THIS WAS A SHOT AT ME PERSONALLY. They read my article, saw how much pain their scheme caused me, and DELIBERATELY DESIGNED AND METICULOUSLY CRAFTED A CAMPAIGN WHICH WOULD TRIGGER MY SPIRAL INTO DELIRIUM!

Some of you may still be incredulous. Do not worry. I shall remedy that presently.

The next day, having barely recovered from the emotional toll of the previous, I saw a notification from Facebook on my phone. I opened it without paying much attention. Here is what I saw:

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As I read the title my eyes instantly locked focus on a familiar name: The Duke II.

It was as if a heavy burden had been lifted. For the first time in almost 24 hours, I could feel the anxiety subsiding and I was able to breathe normally once again. With newfound joy, I lowered my guard and continued to read.

Big mistake.

To my everlasting horror, I stumbled upon what at that time felt like the worst combination of words in any written language: The Duke 2. Right there in the second paragraph. A TRAP. One I never even saw coming. What struck me was just how devious it was: the post started with the correct name - almost as if a correction had been issued - LULLING ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. Then, a paragraph later - JUST OUT RANGE OF THE PHONE'S NOTIFICATION SUMMARY - A KNOCKOUT PUNCH.

I have no memory of what happened in the days that followed. All I know is that I regained my senses roughly four days later. I awoke to the joyful cries of my family members at my bedside. They informed me that some passersby found me collapsed in an alley miles away from my home and called the paramedics. The rest was history.

An Uncertain Conclusion

I have learned a lot from the events of the past week. Chief among them: Hood stood at the crossroads after my first article and they clearly made their choice. I now know they will never change. The Duke is destined to remain in numeric hell forever. Yet as odd as it sounds, I find this comforting in some strange way. It allows me to come to terms with my emotions and begin healing.

There is no better way to heal than in the company of good food. And ironically enough, ordering The Duke II today and eating it has me feeling much better.

You should give it a try. It's fucking delicious.