Kavarna Tiskarna

Kavarna Tiskarna has been one of the joints most recommended to me. Like in one other notable case (khm, Lars & Sven, khm), I am once again befuddled as to exactly why they are so popular. Yes, they have big portions, relatively good prices and a lot of options. But I'm sorry - to the people who evangelized this to me - I just don't think they're all that special.

That being the case, we're going to embark upon an journey and try to figure out why I'm not a fan of Tiskarna. I've actually never tried putting into words what exactly bothers me about them so much. So this should be a treat for us all, eh?

Let me cut right to the chase of my first problem with the joint...

... by which I mean let me slowly build up to it.

Let's take a look at an... undisclosed competitor's menu:

Click the image to enlarge

Now, before we continue, let me get something out of the way. I'm about to praise this menu. The avid readers among you, however, will snidely remark that I have criticized this very same menu in another review. To those of you I say this: listen up, dipshit. This is my god damn website. I can do whatever the fuck I want. And there's nothing you can do about it, bitch.

But you're not entirely wrong.

Syke! You actually are, dumbass! Yes, I have criticized this menu before. But it was on entirely different grounds. If you'd have sat the fuck down and kept reading before you so rudely hypothetically interrupted me, you would have known that. So maybe next time read the whole fucking article before you run your fat fucking mouth. Imbecile.

...

I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.

Anyway. Ignoring whatever you may think of the actual quality of the food offered by this enigmatic competitor, theirs is a very simple and solid menu. In the first spot, there's their basic burger. Ingredients you immediately recognize. Following that is an upgraded version. The last three mix things up a little. You know, if you get bored of the classics. That last one - looking at the price and ingredients - seems to be something special, even. The only minor critique I have is that there doesn't seem to be a clearly identifiable flagship (the last burger listed is arguable - the price says "flagship" but the ingredients say "special"). But it doesn't matter. All in all, beautiful menu, something for everyone.

I bring this up as an example of what to strive for. Because what I'm about to show you is quite possibly the most scatterbrained menu I've seen from a joint. To be clear, I'm not talking about the design of the menu itself but rather the variety of dishes. Also, because Tiskarna doesn't have a website and they don't have their latest menu posted anywhere where I can easily find it - not even on Facebook for fuck sake! - I'll include a deliberately bad photo of the menu I took below. Focus only on the burgers:

Click the image to enlarge

Um... on second thought, looking over Tiskarna's menu once again, I now realize the critique I was about to levy is not very robust. Holy shit, I might even be kind of completely wrong, actually...

You know what? I'm abandoning this entire line of discourse.

Yes, rou read that correctly. I'm not like one of those pompous reputable food critics. I don't ruminate on these reviews for weeks before I write them. You're getting an uncut, live feed, straight from my brain. It's raw. It's real. Deal with it.

Now, let's really cut right to the chase.

What actually bothers me is that almost their entire lineup, if you look at the ingredients, seems to have been designed by a mad scientist. It's burger after burger with condiments that have no business being in a burger.

Allow me a brief sidebar. I know, I used the word "burger" a lot in the previous sentence. Those familiar with my other bodies of work will undoubtedly be aware of my fondness for mixing things up in that regard. But guess what? I googled "burger synonyms". The only viable one that came up was "hamburger". A million words in the English language. A million fucking words. 170.000 still in use. And not even two actually distinct fucking words to refer to one of the most popular foods in The West™. Absolutely tragic.

Anyway what was I saying? Ah, yes.

I don't mind experimentation. Some of my favorite burgers don't have Cheddar or lettuce or tomatoes or - dare I say bacon - on them. But there's a limit to these things. At some point, if you just keep throwing shit between a bun's slices, it's not even a burger anymore. And it also doesn't help that a lot of the time, the ingredients don't even work well together.

I guess that's all I wanted to say, really.

Thinking it over, I guess it all just comes down to me not liking different... things...

Oh god...

Am I... Am I not cut out to be a burger reviewer?