A Royal Mess

Love them or hate them*, no one can deny that the brilliant masterminds at Hood Burger have been instrumental - if not pivotal - in the development of everything to do with burgers in this country. Even if you don't like their food** but do like burgers in general, chances are that your favorite burger joint would not have existed had Hood never arrived on the scene.

Yet as grand a contribution as their burgers were to the diversity of deliciousness, they have also made some critical mistakes over the years. I am of course referring to my longstanding gripes I have with their burger classification schemes. My long time readers will by now undoubtedly have already rolled their eyes, thinking they know what's coming.

But we are not here today to talk about semantic disagreements. These squabbles cannot hold a candle to a much more serious matter.

Very few people are aware that something sinister has been taking place under their very noses. What started as an seemingly innocent dish five years ago morphed into a chaotic disaster. Worse than that, it appears that Hood are fully aware of the havoc their creation has wrought and have been working tirelessly behind the scenes to cover up their scandalous transgressions.

This ends today. I have finally secured the evidence required to uncover this dark secret and lay it bare for the world to see.

I realize the tale I am about to weave is not for the faint of heart. However, it is my belief that simply letting it go untold would be a far greater wrong. It would be a dereliction of my duty were I to stay silent any longer and it would forever weigh on my conscience. In other words, I have no choice but to bring this story to your attention.

Before I begin, an apology in advance. This articles is going to be more image-heavy than usual. This is because once this article runs, Hood will doubtlessly do all in their power to erase any traces of their shameful past. And I cannot let that happen. Therefore, I must document every step of my investigation as thoroughly as possible.

Now then - let's get started.

Historical Revisionism

On Hood's website, buried deep under the Special Edition section of their menu, dwells a seasonal "burger" called The Duke. There is a brief description of this seemingly innocent menu item but that is about it.

Click the image to enlarge

Now, as stated, I myself know the dark and chaotic history behind this creation. However, were I to simply write it down without any proof then you, dear reader, could rightly dismiss me as a deranged lunatic. Therefore, I needed to get my hands dirty. I needed proof.

Those of us in the know can tell you that the unveiling of a new burger by Hood is always accompanied by an article in their News section. But once you look there, the article cannot be found. In fact, there are no articles there older than January 6th, 2021 and there are no links to their news archive anywhere to be found:

Click the image to enlarge

Why the date of their oldest article on that website coincides with the day of the attempted overthrow of the United States Government is a rabbit hole all its own. But this is simply not the time nor the place. We must keep going.

Digital Forensics

This is where the story gets a bit technical. Due to my extensive expertise in computer science I was able to breach Hood's security-through-obscurity by delving deep into their navigational structure in order to bypass their masking protocols and uncover the cleverly hidden pathways to their redacted documents. I will do my best to explain in layman's terms how this was possible though I realize this may be difficult to follow.

If you visit the News section on their website and look at the URL bar, you will see the following path:

However, this seemingly irreproachable web address is merely a ruse used to deceive a casual visitor. But through a clever technique I may or may not have pioneered, I was able to click on one of their articles on this website. From there, I observed something shocking - the web address changed ever-so-subtly before my very eyes:

Using a (probably illegal) elimination technique I learned on the dark web I proceeded to delete specific characters from the address wit surgical precision. Once I was finished, I was left with the following address:

With a trembling hand I pressed 'Enter'. The web browser reloaded the page. To my shock, a previously concealed page opened up before me. Article after article, all right there, sorted chronologically from newest to oldest. But that was not all. At the bottom of the site, there was another link - Older Posts.

This was huge. I now had access to the entire catalog of all their old news articles. All I had to do was find the evidence and present it to the world. I saved all the webpages on a caching service so as to prevent any subsequent manipulation and proceeded to lay it all out.

Below is the full history of 'The Duke'.

Chaos Revealed

2017: The 1st St. Martin's Day Special - The Duke

Cached page.

The story begins in the year of our Judeo-Christian Lord 2017. The first edition of The Duke is unveiled to the world, simply - and logically - named 'The Duke'. I will not go into the reviews of each Duke iteration specifically in this article. If you are interested in those, read the reviews.

Perhaps as a side-note: at this stage, 'The Duke' (inexplicably) sports a proper beef patty in addition to the pulled duck, technically making it a burger. Strictly speaking, this is not an important part in this story but I mention it as a fun fact. You know, to lighten the mood, given an otherwise deadly serious topic.

Anyway - so far so good.

2018: The 2nd St. Martin's Day Special - The Duke 2

Cached page.

The second Duke is revealed to the world, aptly dubbed 'The Duke 2'.

I like that, personally. Not only does it tell me that it is a successor to 'The Duke', the change in number also signified a change in substance. 'The Duke 2' eschewed the beef patty, characteristic of its predecessor. It also improved upon other ingredients, making it a worthy upgrade despite its demotion to a sandwich.

Sadly, this was also where this great royal line peaked. Etymologically speaking.

2019: The 3rd St. Martin's Day Special - The Duke 2.0

Cached page.

In a strange twist of fate, November of 2019 brought with it a most unwelcome change. The successor to the critically acclaimed (by me) 'The Duke 2' was now confusingly named 'The Duke 2.0'.

This made no sense. Surely, 'The Duke 2' would be the one technically considered a 2.0? And the .0 was surely just omitted for simplicity's sake, I thought. Incorrect, it seems.

Most bizarre of all is that 'The Duke 2.0' wasn't merely an encore. You know, because that would at least make some semblance of sense. Oh no. In fact, 'The Duke 2.0' had been tweaked again - they changed the cheese and added rucola. But did that really warrant a grotesque corruption of the naming scheme? Surely, since this was a minor update, would it not be more logical to dub it a 2.1?

Luckily, the sandwich was at least delicious. Otherwise I do not know how I would have kept my sanity that year.

2020: The 4th St. Martin's Day Special - The Duke II

Cached page.

2020 was where descent into madness transitioned from a slow, methodical grind to an outright plunge. Not only was the world losing its marbles due to the rapid spread of a deadly virus - far worse, 'The Duke II' dropped.

'The Duke II' was once again a refinement of the previous generation. It kept the same specifications as 'The Duke 2.0' but returned to the cheese choice of 'The Duke 2'.

This was the final straw. Hood have been toying with my sanity for far too long by that point.

Listen, I get it. You feel like you haven't quite nailed it yet. I understand and respect your pursuit of culinary perfection. But why THE FUCK must your GODDAMN journey include FUCKING WITH ME SPECIFICALLY? HOW IS THIS NOT AT LEAST A GODDAMN 2.2 IF YOU'RE SAVING THE PRECIOUS FUCKING 3?! BUT PLEASE, FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY - STOP DOING THIS. STOP IT WITH THE TWOS. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE!

As a side note: the font on their website makes it seem like the this sandwich is called 'The Duke 11'. You know, just in case the emotional damage was not already beyond repair.

2021: The 5th St. Martin's Day Special - The Duke II

Cached page.

The conspiracy surrounding this one runs so deep it was impossible to document it all within a brief paragraph or two like the rest of them. That is also the reason why I have obscured its full name.

Please read 'A Royal Mess 2: Empire Strikes Back' for the full story.

Conclusion (For Now)

Now you know, dear reader. If you made it this far, you are now in possession of a terrible piece of information, of crimes against logic and language. What you will do with it I cannot know but it is not my place to choose for you. You must find your own path forward and do what duty compels you to do. As for me, I will try to live the rest of my days trying to suppress this memory.

Until the next November when the new Duke arrives.

* The former is the correct answer, by the way. If you disagree, I cannot even begin to comprehend the depths of tragedy which must surely have befallen you and caused your opinion to be so incorrect. But I'm here if you want to talk about it.

** Again, Jesus fucking Christ, what happened to you?